Mum’s the Word

Q: [Whole Family] I am a stepmother to an adorable 3 and 5-year-old. They spend a lot of time at our house and sometimes the older one slips and calls me “mom” or refers to me as her mom to her friends. The little one mimics her. I’m hugely flattered, and kind of get it. If someone asks me how many kids I have, I say three (my son is 9) without distinction. But I don’t want to cause a problem with their mother. How should I handle it without hurting their feelings?

A: Parenting is a challenging task no matter how you slice it. Helping to raise a child who is not your own is admirable. Often times, step-parents are placed in the unenviable position of playing multiple roles within the family system. Finding the balance in developing a healthy relationship with a child who is not biologically yours can be incredibly delicate and confusing. However, it is imperative that you foster and develop a secure, trusting relationship with all children living in the household, whether or not there is a blood relationship.

When children are very young, they begin the process of discovering whom they can depend on to get their basic needs met. It is not uncommon for young children to have multiple “caretakers” as teachers, neighbors, nannies, and extended family members play a vital role in those formative years. Although, at times, it may be confusing for young children to understand what role step-parents play in their lives, I think it’s best to let the child decide how to define the relationship with their own words. At this age especially, clarifying or correcting how your children refer to you could be taken as criticism and is in most cases unnecessary. By calling you “mom,” the child may be communicating that he feels safe and secure with you. Disrupting that could, in fact, be harmful.

Most often when children are confused about family roles, it is a result of poor communication by the adults involved. I believe the best approach in this scenario is for the adults to meet and discuss how to support the children’s needs and well-being. Put all jealousies and resentments aside in the interest of developing a stable and safe environment for the children in both households. Use the meeting to be open and honest with each other and discuss how each person feels about his or her role in the children’s lives. Decide how each of you can help with the children’s health, well-being, and development and make a pact to support each other in front of the children even when there is disagreement. If necessary you can also clarify with each other how you would prefer the children to refer to each of you.

There may not be a valid reason to challenge the children’s language and labels may not intervene. As the children grow and mature they will decide for themselves what feels most comfortable and they will make the changes for themselves. For now, appreciate and be humbled by the opportunity to make a difference in a child’s life. You are more important than you will probably ever know.

Matt Fleischman, LMFT. Fleischman earned his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and currently practices at The Weichman Clinic at renowned Hoag Hospital, Newport Beach and is the South OC director of Chiron Behavioral Health. chironpsych.com