Q: [Teens & Tweens] My son has a crush…or girlfriend…or girl he doesn’t think is “lame”. He’s only 12 so they don’t actually go anywhere, it’s just a social relationship. He’s thinking she should be on his holiday gift list. What’s the etiquette? I’m not sure how the girl’s parents would feel or if his present ideas are too much.
A: The etiquette of gift giving can be a tricky and emotional decision at any age! The holidays especially present a number of gift giving challenges – add a tween and a crush to the mix and the dilemma gets even more complicated. What is a parent to do?
This is a great opportunity to use the “relationship” as a starting point for discussing your teen’s values and your values. During this process, it is important to keep the lines of communication open and suspend any judgment you may have. Try to stay open to your child’s feelings – they are real and should be respected.
When it comes to gift giving, some psychologists believe that this is actually an important part of human social interaction resulting in happiness and a sense of fulfillment. Additionally, it helps us secure and define relationships. With a tween crush, it is important to explore the significance of the relationship and the reason behind giving the gift…what message does your child intend to convey?
An important consideration is that the gift is not costly. Feelings can be hurt if the gift is not received well or reciprocated, so keep it simple and inexpensive. Jewelry and electronics are high-ticket items that might cause confusion on the part of the crush and her parents. Instead of spending a lot, encourage your child to be thoughtful about what makes a gift meaningful. Help your child find a way to make or buy the gift with his or her own money. If the relationship is new or very casual, suggest gift options that are not too personal or intimate. Safe choices are music, books, homemade items or food-related items.
Generosity and selflessness are wonderful qualities for our children to possess. And teaching the art of thoughtful and meaningful giving is one of the best gifts we can give our children at any age.
Denise L. Lindsay, MA, LMFT, MFTI, single mom of three daughters, educator, entrepreneur and counselor offers advice on improving the quality of your life by finding a happy balance between work, friends, family and parenting.
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