Tackling Fear

Does my child have anxiety or are his fears normal? 

All ages 

Is your child afraid of the dark? Do they often worry about death, wildfires, bad people or you not being there when they need you? Are you concerned about their reaction to seeing spooky things on Halloween? Do they ask to sleep in your bed more than you’d like? Well, you are not alone. About one in three anxious school-aged kids sleep in their parents’ bed about half of the time. Being scared is usually a healthy part of childhood, while being fearful often isn’t. It can be a sign of an anxiety disorder. 

So with Halloween fast approaching, what should you do as a parent of an anxious child? Here are a few tips to help our kids have a healthy sense of fear. First, we need to figure out if their level of trust is low. If kids trust the people or situations that they are in, they usually feel less anxiety. If you teach them self-soothing exercises like slowing their breathing down, telling “junk” thoughts to go away or to take a break from a game that is regularly freaking them out, they are less likely to have a worry turn into a phobia.  

If your child is a preschooler, I would give them physical comfort when they are afraid. Emphasize hugs and holding hands. Please don’t expose them to jump/surprise scares. At this age, their brain is wiring important systems. A sibling going too far will possibly really stick with them, so always remind your older child to resist this urge. 

Most kids’ shows have great Halloween episodes that gently introduce them to the concept of going past their comfort zone. If you are creative, I would even give them a turn at being the scary thing like in the “Bluey” episode “Ghost Basket.” 

If your child is elementary school age, they can reason through fear by comparison. I would make statements like, “Halloween is when we pretend to be in danger just to enjoy our body feeling scared, because we know that we will be OK.” They may even like it if you use the term “brave challenge” when they try out a fearful situation that you feel is appropriate for their age. 

For your gamer child, I would ask your child if they are playing video games that have “jump scares” regularly — these may be affecting their sense of safety. Many kids end up developing fears after playing horror games on their devices. I would look up each game that they play on Common Sense Media to see whether it is appropriate for your child. 

For a parent, there is nothing more haunting than a teenager asking you to approve something that is bad for them. This is the age when they are seeking out R-rated movies, intense realistic games or shows with gore or sexually suggestive themes and characters. I would steer them toward less intense games or shows when possible through having a reasonable conversational style, rather than just disciplining them when they break your rules. Steering them toward too tame content usually leads them to ignoring your suggestions.

When we are afraid, our brain releases more norepinephrine in our amygdala, creating that creeped out feeling. When we have that feeling too often, our body is in a “Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn” state also called hyperarousal, which means all our senses are turned on and ready to react. When we prepare ourselves to face a scary thing, it is called hypervigilance. 

Here are a few signs that it is becoming a more serious concern: 

1. If your child can’t fall asleep often at bedtime due to anxiety. 
2. If they avoid events or situations that create anxiety for them, but not for many of their peers. 
3. They repeatedly ask for reassurance from a trusted adult. 
4. They have developed an avoidance of anything related to the fear.

If they are showing these serious signs of anxiety, it is time to speak to your pediatrician or meet with a professional that can help. Child psychologists or marriage and family therapists are trained in teaching kids skills to deal with the fears.

Michael Uram is a marriage and family therapist and licensed professional clinical counselor. He is the CEO of Uram Family Therapy in Newport Beach and Irvine. He helps children and families work through the most challenging parts of life.