Positivity and Partnership

Find strength and positivity in parenting your child with special needs

When you first learn that your child has special needs, you may feel as though you have been tossed into turbulent waters, with your expectations set adrift. Giving yourself grace and finding the right partners at the outset can make all the difference when navigating the waves of special-needs parenthood. For almost two decades, I have worked with children and families, and I advise parents who are new to the special needs world to take care of themselves, learn to understand their child as the unique individual that they are and embrace the help and resources available in the community. 

Finding strength and positivity is not easy, but it is possible if you:

Practice Self-care And Prioritize Your Own Well-being

Parents of children with special needs hold space, create magic and practice flexibility but we must replenish the cup that we pour from. Attend support groups, engage in mindfulness exercises and find respite to give yourself the space to regulate your own emotions so that you can better help your child regulate theirs. Also, it’s OK to — and this is a word people don’t like to use — grieve. You may have held expectations for your child that are now changing. It is natural to mourn old plans before you embrace and find joy in this new journey where your child will be your guide. 

See Your Child For Who They Are

Connect with your child through play and engage in their preferred activities. Be open to sensory experiences and embrace the mess. Is your child fond of mud? Great! Jump in a puddle with them. Yes, this means more laundry later, but it also means your child will hear “yes” more than “no” today and engage in an activity that helps them learn and grow. Parents also have the special opportunity to build a foundation for their child’s self-regulation through intentional co-regulation, in which practicing our own sense of calm allows our nervous system to calm theirs.

Remain Inquisitive

Take the time with your child’s doctors and specialists to be inquisitive about your child and what is happening in their development. This approach will not only enhance your understanding of your child but will also reduce those pesky — “Is this my fault?” — thoughts that plague us all as parents. If your child is having a tantrum at a store, for instance, the old school of thought may have been to scold your child or assume you did something wrong as a parent. We now understand that all behavior (yes, tantrums too) is a form of communication. We can always ask ourselves, what is my child’s behavior trying to tell me? 

Light Up When They Walk Into The Room

This is great advice for any parent, and particularly for those with special needs: Be excited to see them. Smiling widely, telling them that you missed them — even if you were just in the other room for just a few minutes — communicates that they are loved, seen and appreciated. Simple acts like this can set the foundation for a child’s confidence. 

Build Your Village

We have always heard that “it takes a village to raise a child,” but that village can feel remote sometimes. It is important to know that you have resources to help your child and your whole family. The Regional Center of Orange County, a private non-profit, is a great place to start. They partner with several organizations, including the YMCA of Orange County, which offers YMCA Inclusion, the program that I head to provide specialized, Applied Behavioral Analysis-based (ABA) support to children ages 3-17 with special needs in the after-school setting. This connect-first, one-on-one support program guides children in the development of their social, communication, behavior and emotional regulation skills through a fully customized plan of support. 

Create Consistency

When children feel safe, valued and heard, learning takes place. The key is building a consistent team for your child. In the YMCA Inclusion program, for example, we are very intentional about finding the right match for each child with special needs — one of our staff members has been working with the same child for 10 years. Those connections and that consistency allows us to collaborate with schools and other services to provide wraparound support for each child.

The Takeaway

You may not be on the parenting course you imagined, but with positivity and partnership, you can find joy and deep meaning in this new journey for you and your family. 

Holly Thompson is the program director for the YMCA of Orange County’s Inclusion Program. ymcaoc.org/inclusion