Mourning Kobe

How to listen to our kids when they lose their icon.

When a child’s hero passes away, a part of their innocence is gone forever. When we lost Kobe Bryant, it was a striking reminder that life isn’t just a game. It sometimes is tragically and inexplicably taken away, never to be replaced. Our children often do not have the words or understanding of death and loss, let alone the awareness of the stages of grieving.

On an otherwise average Sunday, Jan. 26, many of our local families’ lives changed forever. Kobe and his daughter, Gianna, were an integral part of Orange County’s soul. Our community is in mourning. I feel sorrow and pray for the Bryant family and the families and friends of the seven other members of the Orange County community that lost their lives that day: John, Keri and Alyssa Altobelli, Christina Mauser, Sarah and Payton Chester, and Ara Zobayan.

Kobe was an icon, mentor, hero, idol … and now he’s gone. He didn’t just play basketball. He inspired us with his passion for the game. His intensity was unmatched. He is an icon to today’s icons. The tributes from the pro sports community are heartwarming and a reminder of the compassionate side of society.

We suffered a great loss as a community. Our local kids lost their connection to their icon that many of them were able to meet in person.

As parents, it is difficult to figure out how to talk to them about loss in a way that they will be able to understand. They likely don’t know how to label or manage these intense and complex emotions. It is an overwhelming yet numb experience that changes a person’s world. When we first go through it, it is a new challenge to train ourselves to be aware of how to process it. There isn’t an ideal way or guidebook on how to mourn, but there are a few helpful principles that may help.

One act of compassion that helps no matter the situation is to ask if they need a hug. Ask them what they have been thinking about. If they are having some thoughts about how they lost their desire to even look at a basketball — listen to them instead of having the goal of getting them to be into it again. They will forge their own path in the process. Getting back into playing isn’t necessary for them to heal.

If they are only thinking of the bad in the situation, ask them if they have forgotten about the good memories of Kobe. A healthy goal is to be the listener that we hope for them to be when they are comforting their child one day. Comforting others is an artform that they will use in many other contexts.

If you bring up something specific, you have a higher chance of your child speaking with you than if you just asked them how they were doing. Talk with them about the posts that Vanessa Bryant shares on Instagram; the speech that LeBron James gave or the dunk that was a throwback to Kobe; all of the Lakers being introduced as Kobe Bryant; Usher singing at the Lakers’ game; the Pro Bowl players celebrating a touchdown with a fade-away; or Shaquille O’Neal’s reflection on their relationship and how he doesn’t sleep anymore. Or if they went to school with Gianna, discuss their thoughts about the memorial at Harbor Day School. If they often hide what is on their mind, I recommend reading the book, “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk.”

When a child experiences a loss, they rely on their coping skills toolbox to regenerate their sense of self and the world. It helps to experience the sadness and to tolerate the hurt now, rather than distract yourself or ignore these emotions. Eventually, they will be able to see the pain slowly fade into the background. Coping is a long process that leads to resilience, hope and acceptance.

Our kids will then use this model to demonstrate empathy toward their friends who are going through any type of loss. There is a conversational etiquette around the death of a loved one that improves each time that you comfort someone. We can talk with our kids about how using the words death and loss instead of vague words helps us accept the loss. We can remind them that crying is our body’s way of feeling less overwhelmed by emotion and is a healthy way of healing, regardless of what our culture tells us to do.

We all share in their grief. We have memories of watching him win championships. We shared our love of Kobe with our families and friends. Their championships felt like a win for all of us. Keep talking about the good times that Kobe brought us. The times that brought us together. If you see someone wearing Kobe gear, reach out to them. We can help each other get through this. We are all one team.

Shaq summarized it well in the following days when interviewed about Kobe. He recently lost his sister and was with her son when he heard the news about the helicopter crash. He also discussed how he was moved by a fan that shared his condolences for his loss of both Kobe and his sister. Kindness goes a long way.

For our kids to cope, we first need to patiently and consistently listen to them. Ask them how they are doing about it, even if it looks like they are doing better now that some time has passed. Notice their ability to joke around. When anyone is sad, their ability to joke around disappears for a while. Watch your kid’s behaviors to see if they are struggling. Ask them if they would like to go to any of the memorials. They may resist showing any signs and put on a brave face, but this is often unhelpful. Our body keeps the score, even when we look like we are fine, we can be hurting deeply inside. I would prioritize slowing down your own life and connecting with them as they are, and in their words.

I recently heard a child say that throwing paper in the trash while yelling “Kobe!” will never be the same. It reminded me of how many reminders of him we still have several years after his retirement. On that note, it may come across as an insensitive thing to say to a friend that is not in a good place about the loss. Encourage them to read the nonverbal expressions of their friends, such as a furrowed brow, downward gaze or slouching excessively.

If you are concerned about your child, it is helpful to screen them for anxiety, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The signs to look for are: less energy than they usually have, panic attacks, irritability, anger, worries and nightmares, not being able to stop their thoughts about it, and excessively asking why. If you think they may need a bit more help, there is no shame in reaching out to a mental health professional that has experience working with kids. They know how to proceed and be honest with you and your child about the severity of their symptoms.

Kobe wasn’t just a celebrity that we saw on TV. The Bryants are a part of our community. As such, I also have some guidance for how we can, as a community, help their family grieve in their own way. Being a celebrity is difficult. We are going to see Vanessa and the girls coping, connecting, trying to figure out a life without Kobe and Gianna, even when they don’t want us to see.

I suggest that we respect their boundaries. If they are going through a difficult day, they may need to hear a kind word or get a hug from a caring friend. Other days, they may have finally had a minute free of feeling sad and us reaching out to them may be a stark reminder of their loss. There is no perfect guide to how to support a family, but I would recommend reading their emotions and not overwhelming them at this time. If you see them at Sunday service, remind your kids to not stare, don’t talk about them and show them acceptance. This is their time to mourn and find peace.

Michael Uram, MA, LMFT, LPCC, is the CEO of Uram Family Therapy in Orange County. The team of therapists use the latest evidence-based treatments for anxiety, depression, OCD, ADHD and Asperger’s. For more info, please visit uramfamilytherapy.com