Parents usually do not bury their children. Children outlive their parents and make way for the next generation. For me, that reality shattered when my third child, and only son, died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) at three months of age.
I felt my sanity slip through my fingers the morning I found my sweet Erik in his crib, as purple as an eggplant. I called the police; they came and cordoned off the room, forbidding me to see my son. The police had to rule out foul play. And one does not learn the cause of death until after an autopsy takes place, which can take a very long time. I waited, an accused criminal in my own home, wondering what had become of my little prince.
In the midst of loss bigger than a tsunami, I was expected to be a wife and a mother to two daughters. In that moment, I felt that I could not even be me. I became what I later coined non-intentionally emotionally unavailable. Not because I did not love them, rather, I was scared and believed I was not good enough to have them.
I reached a turning point when the chief pathologist’s wife in the coroner’s office gave me a call. She had experienced the loss of her baby from SIDS. This sparked a self-help group for mothers. She talked me down from the edge of crazy after I had blurted out to an unsuspecting CVS employee the real reason I was returning a package of Pampers, baby bottles and pacifiers.
In the self-help group of grieving mothers, I opened up. Survivors of unexpected and traumatic events have one thing in common, moments when the shock feels too great to articulate.Once I shared my sadness, I became a part of a community. Even though my son’s premature death was an unnatural emotional blow, it was okay to feel the emptiness, to let his name rest on my lips, to yearn for a glimpse of his smile one more time.
My desolation also exposed me to other life lessons. My flaws were revealed. I turned into a better me. With a mixture of courage and trepidation, I tried for another child and a third daughter made her way into our family.
If you or someone you care about is going through this terrible experience, here are some of the invaluable things I benefited from in my journey toward healing.
- Outreach from friends who let me ramble on at strange times.
- Having a funeral for my son, with all of its ritual, even when my spouse did not want one.
- Talking with spiritual leaders and reading When Bad Things Happen to Good People.
- Learning as much as I could about SIDS.
- Speaking with a wonderful counselor who told me I was enough, I was not crazy, and that my feelings and actions were okay.
- Accepting help from friends who made sure my little daughters made it to school, had meals prepared, and places to go.
- Making meaning out of the senseless loss. In other words, discovering the gifts my sweet little boy gave me.
- Being of service to others who walk similar paths.
My two young daughters didn’t understand what happened to their baby brother. Grief counselors guided me in the ways I spoke to them.
- Begin with honesty. Let them know it’s okay to feel what they are going through.
- Relate death to common examples such as the death of plants and bugs. This shows it is natural and a part of life.
- Use clear language, answers should be short and to the point.
- Welcome all questions, even if they get repeated.
- Avoid euphemisms and fairy tales (“gone to sleep”).
- Create an understanding of differences in sickness. Explain that we all get sick and most of the time we get better.
- Avoid telling your child that only old people die.
- As children age, try to answer their questions about death as best you can. It’s okay for you to not have all the answers, grief counselors and support groups can help.
The death of a loved one, at any age, is never easy. You don’t have to go through it alone. If a loved one or someone you know is experiencing a loss, I empower you to reach out and give them a hand. Your affirmation of the parent who is in the midst of this journey can be lifesaving.
Dr. Louise Stanger, lecturer, professor, clinician, and trainer is ranked as one of the top ten Interventionists in the country. Louise’s memoir FALLING UP, A MEMOIR of RENEWAL is available on Amazon. For more information on SIDS and resources for the grieving process, visit: www.sidsamerica.org or www.cdc.gov/sids
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