Kids and Competition

Pros and Cons of Competition

Competition and athletics are pervasive in our cultural values especially when it comes to young people. We strongly encourage kids to play sports at every level to help them learn leadership, discipline, respect, determination, responsibility and many other important life skills. We teach that sports resembles “real life” and that it is a microcosm of being a productive member of society. From the outside, it appears that by being immersed in this culture kids are learning how to better handle adversity and the challenges that life sometimes brings. Athletics can also bring families together to celebrate the dedication and hard work it takes to be a part of a team. When it is done well the values and lessons learned in sports can have a lasting impact.

As with most other situations in life competition can have a negative side to it as well. I’ve heard many parents, teachers, and coaches tell kids that they need to prioritize integrity, channel negative emotions, work hard every moment, and, most importantly, treat others “the way that you want to be treated.” Instead there are too many of us who get caught up in winning and making our kids superstars that we forget how to manage our own behavior and emotions. Most importantly, we lose sight of why we encouraged our sons and daughters to be involved in the first place.

So why are adults having so much trouble remembering how to act? I think it is because we are attempting to live vicariously through our kids and, in some cases, trying to make up for what we couldn’t achieve when we were younger. Unfortunately, this is causing major stress and strain on our kids and leading to negative experiences. We need to learn how to take a step back and not add to the already immense pressure that kids feel on a daily basis. So, here are some tips and ideas for how we can encourage and inspire our athletes without the risk of losing our own dignity and self-respect.

Practice What You Preach

In theory, modeling the same standards we expect from our kids should be effortless because we have significantly more experience and years of training at our disposal. Managing and regulating our emotions should be pretty straightforward, right? Well, not quite. Our concerted efforts to remind ourselves that “It’s only a game” and “Winning isn’t everything” seem to disappear quickly when the game starts. Parents, we need to practice what we preach. There is a strong connection between how we think, how we feel, and ultimately how we act. We tell our kids that they need to think about the potential consequences and risks of their behavior before they act on their feelings. Many of us need to remember those great words of wisdom when we are watching from the sidelines. We need to avoid pushing for every scenario to be fair and just. It is imperative for kids to learn how to adjust and work through failures now. Life is full of “curve balls,” remember? Instead of resorting to criticisms, name calling and yelling when we are unhappy with officials, coaches, and parents, let’s cheer with a passion for qualities like hard work, sacrifice, and teamwork. We just might find out that kids will follow suit.

Conflict Resolution

Along with managing emotions on and off the court, handling interpersonal conflict and disagreement appropriately is a growing concern in athletics. Parents, coaches, and players are struggling to communicate appropriately and trust and respect are many times lacking in the relationship. Parents get concerned that their kids are not getting enough playing time or are being treated unfairly, coaches feel like parents and players are too entitled and demanding, and players feel like coaches don’t recognize their talents and play favorites. I think we all need to work on being more open and honest with each other about our feelings to get ahead of the resentment building. There is nothing wrong with passion and enthusiasm for competing and trying to win but not at the expense of hurting one another.

As adult role models it’s very important that we try to avoid making blanket assumptions about each other. We want to teach our kids that problem solving in relationships is a two-way street. The first step to resolving any problem successfully is to identify what role we may be playing in it. Once we look to take responsibility for our own actions we can move on to asking others to help us resolve the issue. Working together to get on the same page is key. Try to schedule a meeting to get all of the concerns out on the table. During the meeting, focus on what you have noticed and observed and use “I statements” to avoid blaming and creating defensiveness: “I have noticed (observation) and I (describe feelings) when (situation/event/circumstance) happens.” Finally, attempt to identify actions that each person can take to work together to solve the problem. If talking about it doesn’t resolve the issue it may be best to “agree to disagree” or walk away from the situation completely.

Competition with Siblings

So now that we are able to communicate and resolve conflict appropriately, let’s talk about how to be sensitive to the less athletic brothers and sisters in the family while continuing to encourage our athletes. Being supportive and enthusiastic about both athletic and other types of achievements is essential to avoid resentment building among siblings. Besides, many people would argue (myself included) that placing an emphasis on scholastic achievement is more crucial than anything else.

We sometimes forget as parents that each kid has a unique set of strengths and talents that need to be celebrated and acknowledged. As with any other situation that could bring out comparisons between siblings we should minimize expressing our preferences as much as possible. A good way to do this is to participate actively in each child’s extracurricular activities by going to as many of the events as possible and volunteering time to the organization, club, or team. Also, the dinner table is a great venue for encouraging family conversations about each child’s activities and interests. It’s human nature to connect with others by sharing stories and memories from past events and looking forward to what will be happening in the days and weeks to come. We need to emphasize that we care about and value everything our kids do to develop themselves as people, whether or not it involves competition and athletics.

Matt Fleischman, LMFT. Fleischman earned his Masters in Clinical Psychology from Pepperdine University and currently practices at The Weichman Clinic at renowned Hoag Hospital, Newport Beach and is the South OC director of Chiron Behavioral Health. chironpsych.com