Orange County is one of the most diverse places in the world—the proverbial melting pot of cultures and customs—representing a cornocopia of countries and languages from all over the world. Our diversity is what makes us quintessentially “American.”

In the journey of parenting, though we may have differing styles, we all agree the goal is to raise children who become compassionate, well-adjusted contributors to society. But what happens when parents come from different ethnic backgrounds? Do cultures clash? Do they complement each other? Does diversity strengthen families? We sat down with three Orange County families to find out how they meld their cultures, customs and traditions into their parenting styles.

THE POLKE FAMILY, IRVINE

For Jack and Noriko Polke, being a cross-cultural family is an afterthought. In fact, it wasn’t until this interview that the couple even considered their children as “multi-racial.”
“They are just TT and Tia—that’s who they are,” says Jack, 52, who was born in South Carolina and traveled most of the world with the Navy. Noriko agrees. “I don’t see them as ‘Japanese’ or ‘black,’” the 35-year-old stay-at-home mom says. “I see them as their own unique person.”

How do you integrate your culture in how you parent?

Jack: For me, it’s learning English and the American way of life.

How would you describe the “American way of life?’”

Jack: To be good American citizens—actually worldly citizens, because the world is changing—it’s not just about America, I mean, this community alone is so diverse in culture. It’s really international here, so it’s important for them to learn how to get along with everybody. That’s the way that I was brought up, because I’m from a military family.

So you’re kind of integrating a “military culture,” too?

Jack: (In the military), you learn how to get along with people, because you have to work together. There’s no black, there’s no white. You’re just a sailor. They don’t see you as any color.

Do you see yourself integrating African-American culture in the way you raise your kids?

Jack: Well, I don’t see myself as “African-American.” I see myself as an American. Even though there was a lot of segregation (where I grew up), I never really chose a side, in terms of, “These are white people, these are black people.” Maybe that’s how my grandparents brought me up—to not see myself as lesser than anybody else. That’s the way I bring my children up—because they’re no different from anyone else. And like I said, the world is changing. Nowadays, there’s so much diversity. You have to raise kids to communicate and get along with everyone. That’s their future.

Noriko, how does your Japanese culture affect how you parent?

Noriko: In the little things, like daily life. Like Japanese customs. In Japan, we respect older people. We use polite words and it is really important to say, “Good morning—konnichi wa” and bow. Manners are really important in the Japanese way. My parents were very strict about that with me. So I teach my daughters—I’m very strict.

Do you plan to raise your children mainly in America?

Noriko: Here in America, there are many chances, more than Japan. But—I cannot find the words. Um. Many things are complicated here—mixed culture—sometimes I think there is more order in society—in Japanese society. Here, there is not a historical culture based on a long history. I don’t think it’s bad. It’s, I feel, too much different. In Japan, we have more order in society; it’s a very strict society.

Do you speak Japanese with your daughters?

Noriko: Yes. Only Japanese.

Have they been to Japan?

Noriko: TT has, but when she was a baby. But in two weeks, we will go to Japan for two months. We will go every year, every summer, to let them experience Japanese school.

Are there cultural differences in the way that both of you parent?

Jack: Yeah, I think so. I think she’s more strict with the girls.

What are you strict about?

Noriko: (Laughs). I don’t know—really tiny things. All Japanese people don’t do the same thing, but I was taught by my parents that kids have to be scared of their parents.

Do you mean respect? Like a healthy fear?

Noriko: Yes. A healthy fear. If they keep wanting to do some bad things, if parents are a little scary, then kids will not do then. We have to be very strict. In my case, sometimes I’ll do this (she makes a stern expression) to my kids. I’m very traditional. I’m old-school.

THE PAOLI FAMILY, FULLERTON

Three languages—Italian, Spanish and English—are spoken in the Paoli household. It’s what Simone Paoli and Leticia Cabral always imagined when they talked about raising a family together. Their daughter, Natalia, 2, switches back and forth between these languages with ease and comfort—like second nature. Paoli, 37, a native of Italy, and Cabral, 36, who grew up in Riverside and is of Mexican-American heritage, say their cultures are very similar, even complementary.

How do you see your culture having an influence on the way you parent?

Simone: I try to repeat as much as a I can from the environment I grew up in as a kid. Especially with how my grandmother raised me—with the same attention.

Leticia: Another way we try to incorporate each other’s culture is we try to speak to Natalia in our own languages. I always speak to her in Spanish and Simone always speaks to her in Italian.

Simone: Natalia speaks English at school. And sometimes, she has a hard time switching. When I pick her up, it always takes her like, 20 minutes to get used to speaking Italian. But of course, then she understands everything.

Would you say a “hands-on” type of parenting is very Italian?

Simone: Yes. The thing that is very similar between Mexican culture and Italian culture, is not only family-oriented, but it’s like when you have a baby, everything else is…

Leticia: Revolves around the baby.

Simone: You just take a step back in your personal life, in your aspirations. So everything revolves around their needs.

What are some of the differences in your parenting styles?

Leticia: I don’t know if there are particular differences in Italian parenting versus Mexican. It might be more family-to-family. His side was stricter in terms of when they eat. They were much more schedule-oriented. Where my family, because it was so large, we were very relaxed when it came to eating schedules. We rarely sat down as a family because everybody had a different schedule and there was such a huge gap in ages. People were coming and going at different times.

Simone: In Italy, the schedules revolve around the eating. Whenever you eat, everybody sits at the table at the same time. And that’s why, since Natalia was a little baby, we always sit together at the same time. Even when she was sleeping, we would try get her used to it. To me, it’s important. Very important.

What things from your cultures do you want to pass on to Natalia?

Simone: The language, definitely. The appreciation for good food.

Leticia: For family.

Simone: We take her to Italy for two weeks, every year. So it’s important that she gets an appreciation for the country. I will be very bummed if she doesn’t speak Italian or feel Italian. I want her to feel Italian, as well as well American and Mexican. My worst nightmare is that she says, one day, “I don’t want to speak Italian.”

On that topic of “feeling” Italian or Mexican or American, do you ever worry she’ll be confused?

Leticia: I don’t think so. Even seeing her now, I mean, it could happen but it’s not a concern. She’s pretty comfortable with the three differences. Even as a small child, she would notice that different people would say different things and she wasn’t too worried about it. She seemed to have this very clear distinction of what’s Mommy’s side, what’s Daddy’s side and what’s the rest of the world. And she seems to flow back and forth between them pretty simply.

Simone: My mom was concerned about it at first because as a preschool teacher she saw the first wave of immigrants in Italy and those bilingual kids had trouble speaking. So she wanted me to talk to Natalia in only English. She thought Natalia was going to be confused or feel different.

Do you feel parenting transcends culture?

Leticia: I do. I think the goal of parenting is to produce a child who is well-adapted and is a good person. I think yes, culture plays a big part in how you reach your goal, but I think the end result is the same no matter what culture.

Simone: But parenting is part of the heritage of the culture. You raise your kids like you’re used to, like you’ve seen all your life. You’re born as a baby, you’re not born as a parent. You say, OK, now I have this set of information. That’s what it is basically—you’re transmitting a set of information from yourself to your baby. You mold it, and you change it according to your personality.

Leticia: Right, but I don’t think that it’s completely separate.

Simone: But it is. I’m not saying that it’s totally different, but there might be some differences due to the fact that you come from different places.

What kind of advantages do you think Natalia will have because she’s multi-cultural?

Simone: There is one "technical" advantage which is dual citizenship. In these days of increasingly strict immigration laws, being able to travel and work in the US and Europe with no restriction is an indubious advantage. I like to think that, anyway. I also see "multi-culturality" as a different sets of menus which you can choose from, without having to pay more. Our family is like a restaurant that offers an American, Mexican and Italian menus to our only customer (for now), Natalia.

THE DOBERSTEIN FAMILY, NEWPORT BEACH

He’s 6’7” and German and she’s 5’0” and Japanese. They always wondered what their kids would look like. When David arrived, Alf and Megumi Doberstein were surprised. “We thought he was going to have black hair, but it was so light,” says Alf, 35. “He looked European.” Megumi says she would often get mistaken for the nanny, “But I would not get mad,” she says. “I just thought it was interesting.” Now, there is no doubt David, 2, is a product of two different cultures—with his almond-shaped eyes and German-Japanese-English vocabulary.

How are your two cultures, Japanese and German, different in terms of family?

Alf: Society is different, like working hours. In Japanese culture, husbands are spending more time in the company with co-workers than at home, traditionally. It’s changing with younger couples, right? (Looks at Megumi)

Megumi: Yeah.

Alf: But, if we lived there, I would probably come home later.

How late would he come home, if he lived in Japan?

Megumi: Eight or nine. Sometimes eat dinner outside with a co-worker.

Alf: And then go out to a bar. The father doesn’t really assume the role in raising kids.

Megumi: So now, in Japan, a single woman doesn’t want to get married and doesn’t want to have kids.

Alf: Actually, the culture (in Japan) is changing more to an American-like culture.

Alf, how would you describe German culture?

Alf: Discipline, accuracy, normal values that Germans are famous for.

How would you describe your upbringing?

Megumi: My family was not really the typical Japanese family.

Alf: Her family was fairly open. In a typical (Japanese) family, we probably couldn’t have got married. With her family, they weren’t worried too much about what society would think. They let us date and get married.

Megumi, what are some things in Japanese culture that you want to pass along to your children?

Megumi: I want David to know about Japanese food. And of course, the language.

Alf: He will go in September, to Japanese kindergarten.

What about passing along beliefs about religion?

Megumi: Most Japanese are Buddhist. I am Buddhist. But I don’t know much about (it). But I want (David) to respect other religions.

What in German culture do you want to pass along to your children?

Alf: Mainly the discipline, accuracy.

Accuracy in what?

Alf: Well, if you do it, you do it right—“Quality instead of quantity” type of thing. To not just worry about getting it out and done.

What in American culture have you have observed here that you want to pass on?

Alf: Openness to other religions…

Megumi: And cultures…

Alf: Patriotism here is different than Germany and Japan. Since Japan and Germany lost the war (WWII). I would like to (David) to have a sense of patriotism.

Is there ever a clash of cultures?

Alf: Not yet. But it might become different when he starts going to school. We (looks at Megumi) kind of agree on most things.

Do you ever think that your children could have an identity crisis?

Alf: No, we haven’t thought about it. That’s an interesting question. But I could see it—a crisis—which might come more with looks. But we don’t really anticipate it much. It might be worse if David moved to Japan and he suddenly needed to integrate and he feels he needed to be Japanese, but doesn’t feel Japanese. Or in Germany and to live as a German. He might have more issues there than staying in the US and living as an American.

Do you think this (America) is the best place to raise a multi-cultural family?

Alf: If you’re doing it other than here, then it’s not easy. Especially for you (looks at Megumi). You pretty much enjoy the comfort of American life. Here in California there’s an openness to different cultures and raising a family here helps.

What kind of advice would you give to parents who are raising cross-cultural kids?

Alf: Well, it’s definitely good that I knew the culture, since I lived in Japan for two years. I pretty much know what’s going on.

Megumi: Yeah, that is a big help.